*** WELCOME TO JAKECHASAN.COM ***

💥 Jake Chasan 💥

Ticker Symbol: 💍JAKE | Venue: Stanford Stock Exchange

"Invest in Jake. Hedge with Love."

🚨 BREAKING NEWS 🚨

Jake is OPEN for romantic investment. Act now or regret forever when he's taken.

📈 Investment Thesis

M&A = Marriage & Affection
IPO = Intimate Partnership Opportunity
ROIC = Return on Invested Coupledom
EBITDA = Earnings Before Intimate Date-night Activities

🧮 Love Metrics

Metric	Value
Swipe Right Rate	94.7%
Dad Joke Density	MAXED OUT
Emotional Dividends	Hourly
Train Collection	TOP SECRET 🚂

📝 Deal Terms

Golden Retriever Custody Rights
Sunday Steak Nights at Fleming's (medium well)
One Board Seat with Sock Veto Rights
Optional Twin Class Children 👶👶

📊 Case Forecasts

Bear: Romance author with a blog
Base: GSB Dean with baywatch potential
Bull: 2048 POTUS + FLOTUS with Stanford building naming rights

🔥 Apply to Date Jake

First 100 applicants receive a signed napkin from Fleming's.